so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
