i don't like sucking hair
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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