Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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