So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
