apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
