The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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