Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
