it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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