did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
