I'm so fucking centered right now
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
