Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
