if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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