I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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