there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Floor bacon is actually really good
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
