Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize