The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
