I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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