fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
