I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
