I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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