i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
