Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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