Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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