You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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