How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
