the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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