She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
