help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
