The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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