I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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