why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i believe in u and ur pee
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
