i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
