So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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