broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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