that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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