I think I won the penis lottery.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
