my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
