someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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