My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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