my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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