I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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