How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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