So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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