My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
