You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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