How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
