were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
soo... how was my night?
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