The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
