the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
