get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
