an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
