wanna go halves on a baby?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize