I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
