just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
