im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
