You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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