This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize