Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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