Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
