I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize